Sunday, May 13, 2007

Wal-Mart was Founded by a Man

Now that Mother’s Day has come and past, I wanted to take a moment and share with you something that I have come to realize over many years of both being married and being a father: Women are insane! This is not some watered-down Don-Imus-like chauvinistic rant. It’s truly a statement of fact supported by observations with which no one will be able to argue. Follow me here.

Observation #1: Women marry men. In days of yore, men were the protectors of the village, and women would marry as a means of defense. (Oddly enough, though, the village usually required protection from marauding bands of other men.) So, with that said, it’s obvious that women were making sound decisions back then based on practical need. However, fast forward to today – a day in which we’re not wont to see a lot of marauding – and women are still marrying men. One could argue that many women marry certain men because of their potential to be successful and rich (i.e. marrying doctors, young heirs to great fortunes, multi-millionaire octogenarians who have one foot in the grave, etc.). However, you have a lot of women who are marrying guys who are schoolteachers, park rangers, and – gasp! – humor columnists. Even after multiple generations of mothers and daughters discussing the disgusting habits of the men in their lives, women will still say, “But my husband will be different.” And they’ll say this on the heels of dropping by their guy’s apartment that could double as a petri dish.

Observation #2: Women bear children. With eons of anecdotal evidence pointing to the likelihood that their feet will swell to the size of watermelons and they will constantly experience heartburn on par with a competitive Hot Dog eater with only a glass of water, they still get pregnant. And then there’s no guarantee how these children will come out. For example, on Secretary’s Day – a Hallmark-created holiday to celebrate a person who makes our professional lives more efficient – we lighten the workload in the middle of the week for the person being honored and give them gifts that are considerably more expensive than a crayon rendition of a card. However, on Mother’s Day – a holiday created to celebrate the woman who gave us life –children come up with some rather unique (read: cheap) gifts made of Play-Doh. Also, we do it on a weekend when Mom should be able to sleep in rather than be assaulted by breakfast in bed comprised on runny eggs and pancakes with mysterious ingredients. And yet, women go on bringing children into the world.

This is not a condemnation of the female half of our species, nor is it meant to demonstrate that men are winning the sanity race – we aren’t by any stretch of the imagination. We marry women expecting them to look beyond our caveman behavior and are shocked when they don’t. We take the kids to the local Wal-Mart the day before Mother’s Day at 9:30 p.m. and tell them, “Just get something you think your Mom will like, and make sure it’s not more than five bucks. Meet me in Sporting Goods in fifteen minutes. I’m going to check out fishing rods.” Yeah, we’re just as nuts!

The truly insane thing in this world is that my Mom married my Dad, and that my wife married me. Someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I say it’s insane to want it any other way. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! And Happy Mother’s Day from Jack and Sam to their Mom, my wife!

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