RFK Needs to Address This Disease

Perhaps it’s a universal thing, but I know it’s a disease acutely thrust upon us here in the United States: people backing into parking spaces. I call it a disease because its effects are felt by those in the vicinity of the carriers of this pathogen - the carriers are seemingly immune to the stupidity of their actions and go about afflicting all around them without a care in the world. 

I’ve yet to see someone back into a parking space because they are going to be loading something into the back of their vehicle, which would make absolutely perfect sense so one wouldn’t have to carry something as far. Often, it’s a large truck that I see being backed into a space, and those who see no problem with this explain to me that they back in so that when they get ready to leave, they reduce the possibility of hitting a pedestrian or another vehicle. Okay, but doesn’t the SAME possibility exist WHEN BACKING INTO THE SPACE?!!!!!! Your argument is without merit, people. 

Tonight, I was pulling into the parking lot at a local church to attend a wedding reception when I was halted in my progress by some chucklenuts not just backing into a space but requiring an 8-point turn to get it just right FOR HIS FORD FOCUS! Curious, rather than leaving my vehicle in the traffic lane of the parking lot and going over and kicking the driver squarely in the testicles, I paused to see who was this person. It wasn’t Batman, a police officer or firefighter, an OB/GYN on call, or the guy who fixes the Coke dispensers at all the local Circle Ks - people who would clearly need to have their vehicles at the ready in case they got called out to an emergency - just a dude wearing an ill-fitted suit, white shirt, ugly tie, and shoes that hadn’t seen a buff brush or polish in the last three presidential administrations. Why? Why did he feel it important to back his sub-compact car into the parking space at a wedding reception? 

I could think of a handful of justifiable reasons, actually: he would be loading something into the trunk, which is the size of a carry-on suitcase (but this was near the beginning of the reception, and he didn’t pop his trunk when he got out, so we’re ruling that out); he was delivering the bride and groom’s vehicle that would carry them off to their honeymoon (but the car wasn’t decorated AND it was a beat up Ford Focus that I’m about 99% positive the groom wouldn’t be caught dead driving). Using Occam’s Razor, after eliminating all other possibilities, I could only come up with one of two reasons: (1) the driver is an escaped mental patient, or (2) the driver is so self-centered to believe everyone SHOULD wait for him and his poor driving skills to park his car. You really don’t want to consider reason 2 because you want to believe people can’t be that oblivious to others around them, but I couldn’t really go with reason 1 because there aren’t any mental hospitals nearby. Perhaps he just hasn’t been committed to one yet? Hmmmm. 

ID Required, Brains Not

While the atrocities of 9/11 will remain a scar on the soul of America that will never fade with time but make us stronger and more resolved, there are things that were instated as a result of that event that have made a large number of people here in the United States . . . absolute morons. I speak of the security checkpoint at the airport. 

When these security measures were first instituted, EVERYONE got a free pass: it was new, some of the requirements didn’t make immediate sense, and quite frankly, a lot of people weren’t preparing themselves beforehand by looking things up on the internet before they arrived at the airport - and in the beginning, we all collectively let it slide. However, this September will be 24 years since this all started, and if anything, the restrictions have been either lessened or streamlined. We’re not trying to qualify for the Army Rangers or get through the NFL combines. It’s NOT that hard, kids. 

Since it has been 24 years, and air travel has been made cheaper and more attainable than ever before, I’m going out on a limb here and saying that it’s likely that no more than 10% of our population have never flown since 9/11/2001 - we should ALL be able to breeze through TSA without opening our mouths to ask a question or even make eye contact with an “officer” who somehow got his pants to zip up and his shirt to button without popping off and taking out a civilian. Step up, put your laptop in a separate tray, then stick your carry-on bag (which, for many, is large enough to stow a small family from the Philippines) in another bin along with your shoes and belt and the contents of your pockets. For those with metal in their bodies (artificial hip, cast iron bladder, or a piercing in a non-visible area of your body, you’ll step through the metal detector; the rest of us will go into the little tube where we mimic a jumping jack while we get scanned. Simple, right?

Apparently, each time I go to the airport, the line I choose consists almost exclusively of either the 10% who have never traveled or forgot to pack their brains the night before when they were gathering up their luggage. And, honestly, I don’t know which is worse: (1) the person who bitches and moans about the process while they’re loading up the trays with their items as if the TSA agent can or even wants to change the process; or (2) the person who has been instructed ad nauseum by the TSA agents to empty their pockets and remove their belts, and when they pass through the metal detector or the tube thingy, they are absolutely shocked that they are subject to an additional pat down. 

If TSA really wanted to streamline the process (and since they’re a government agency, that’s not likely), I would be willing to volunteer for a shift a week for minimum wage to be the “Idiot Whisperer”. Any sign that a person is going to be a hindrance to the flow, I’ll walk up and shunt them over to a designated lane where they can be as stupid, slow, opinionated, and shocked as they wish. The only thing I fear is near the end of my shift, my right hand will be stinging and almost blistered from all the high fives I would be getting from the “smart” passengers.