After having been a member of the local gym for
the past few years, I wish I could say I’ve learned how to eat better and take
better care of myself, but if this Christmas missive were accompanied by a
photograph (there’s more than one reason we stopped sending those out YEARS
ago) you’d know that’s a big, fat lie.
What I have learned, though, is that there’s a direct relationship
between a man’s age/weight and the amount of time he walks around completely
naked in the sauna and locker room. You
guessed it: the older and fatter, the longer we all get to see them in their
full glory. It’s like a demented episode
of Naked & Afraid – the longer
they walk around naked, the more afraid I become. I open with that little gem so you have a
nausea-inducing rumbling in your bowels that will last far beyond the time it
takes to read our annual letter – and you’ll forget everything you just
read. You’re welcome.
Sam hit the big 16 this year and got his
driver’s license as soon as humanly possible.
For Erin, that wasn’t quite fast enough because from the time Sam
started his sophomore year at school until he got his license, she still had to
chauffeur him to and from school – possibly the longest seven months of her
life (since Jack was no longer available to taxi himself and his brother). Upon acquisition of the truck his brother had
previously driven, Sam got the notion that being without an operational stereo
was intolerable. He tried convincing us
that this was cruel and unusual punishment, and we just laughed and sent him
back out in the 120-degree heat and cancer-inducing sun to cut the grass with a
push mower. Kids!
Back in August, Jack hit his one-year mark –
his Hump Day, if you will – so he’s on the downhill side of things now. He’s slated to come home from Peru at the end
of July and start at ASU for the Fall 2017 semester. While we’re understandably excited to have
him come home, we have a feeling it might be advisable to tell him to get on
the airplane with only the clothes on his back and leave everything in the
jungles of Peru. As I probably mentioned
in last year’s note, it rains over 10 feet each year in his little corner of
Peru so nothing every truly dries out, which means everything he has (including
his own person) will have mold in every nook and cranny possible. We might pick him up from the airport in our
truck and have him ride home in the back so when we pull up to the house, we
can march him in the backyard, have him strip down to his essence, and jump in
the pool that’s been treated with triple the normal amount of chlorine (while
we burn his clothes and shoes in an open fire pit). Welcome back, Jack!
Back in October, Erin began working at one of
the local high schools as an assistant to the librarian. She makes it abundantly clear to everyone who
asks: she’s not the assistant librarian; she’s the assistant TO the
librarian. In a way, you could say she’s
the Dwight Schrute (assistant TO the regional manager) of the Casteel High
School library. That’s certainly better
than being Creed, Meredith, or Kevin, for sure.
In her spare time – you know, when she’s not chasing down juvenile
delinquents trying to dodge paying fines for overdue books – she’s really
gotten into Pilates, so she’s now more flexible than a four-year-old with an underdeveloped
spinal column. It’s quite impressive.
As for myself, what can I say? I still haven’t written a best-selling novel
(or even a worst-selling one, for that matter) or started a rock n roll band
that will be the next U2/Beatles – beside the fact I have absolutely no musical
talent (which didn’t necessarily stop Justin Beiber), I don’t hang out with
enough people to complete a band. For
now, I’ll stick to my snarky comments on Facebook and mildly amusing (at least
I make myself laugh) posts on Instagram.
We, the Greenes, wish you a very warm and happy holiday season and hope
the nausea will pass quickly!
