Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Put that Thing Away

I'm 35 years old. I grew up in the 80s. I'll admit to that. That little piece of information may help you understand where I'm coming from -- or at least it'll explain my lack of understanding.

Here's the deal: I'm sure I missed the memo from . . . whomever's in charge of these things, but I can't quite put my finger on the exact date and time when it was decided that men and women of all ages should flaunt a gut. (Let me disclose here that I do not have the body of a cover model, and my waist is five inches bigger than it was when I got married.) And when I say flaunt, that is exactly what I mean: baring it with total disregard.

On the one hand, I applaud their heightened sense of self confidence. I was far more "frail" in regard to self image even when I was younger and thinner, and the majority of my peers (male and female alike) "suffered" from the same lack of confidence. We wore clothes that accentuated the positive and camouflaged the rest. We're just a bunch of narcissists!

Now, on the other hand, the last thing I want to see after I've stopped at the local Dairy Queen stand in the mall to get a chocolate milk shake (made with chocolate ice cream) is the rolling pudge sitting atop the waistband of a 14-year-old girl's pants and peeking out below a t-shirt that's three sizes too small -- sickening for so many reasons.

My lack of "hipness" in this regard is not reserved for females. I'm equally astounded by those myriad men who wear polo shirts, for instance, that have shrunk up above their belts to reveal a love-handled hairy navel that looks like a peat moss farm. I can safely say "sexy" is not the first thing someone thinks when they see this. "Cummerbund" is a word that leaps to mind for me!

Let's do each other a favor and put that thing away!

Mind-blowing excitement

Monday, February 21, 2005

Probably not far from the Garden of Eden -- halfway between Kingman and Yucca, AZ.

Social Security's Problems

First off, let me make this clear: I don't expect to see a dime of the social security funds that are being taken out of my paycheck every two weeks. With that said, in principle, I'm all for allowing individuals to invest those bi-weekly withdrawals in an account or some other interest-bearing vehicle of their choosing. Heck, they could cash it out in ones and fives and make a leisure suit out of them -- it might improve their chances of getting a date.

Nevertheless, in reality, I'm against allowing individuals to invest their social security funds at their own discretion. Why? Because there are far too many people who would, metaphorically, take me up on my leisure suit suggestion and the government (this applies to all parties) hasn't the backbone to tell these people that they were just too stupid for their own good and they're clean out of luck. When people have completely cleaned themselves out and they go to the government, our little friends in Washington will then come to those of us who had the foresight to save and invest wisely and tax our wisdom so we're all clean out of luck.

Bottom line: stupidity is the strongest trump card of all in matters of governance.